Recovery .. different measures

Recovery:  I'm sure it's different for women, men and different people of different ages.

I know what it means to me:

Yesterday I put on perfume.
Today I put on lipstick and wore a pair of strappy sandals to work.
This morning, I danced in the bathroom while my favorite song was playing.

So, I am recovering.  Looking forward to a bike ride this weekend.

Writing and Yoga- a new project

Today is a day of new beginnings for me.  I have a doctor's release to start exercising today.  The limitations are I can exercise but I can't lift anything and can't put any pressure on my chest.  Piece of cake! So I will be at a biking class this afternoon, spinning my legs in little circles on a stationary bike in the dark while the music is playing.  I will be sweating happily.  I ate way too much delicious food at a business meeting yesterday (those brownies perched on the table just in front of me were unbelievable, I couldn't resist) so I will be happy to be able to burn some extra calories.

I have also started a new project today.  21-800-5.  A confluence of readings and events over the past few days got me thinking and stewing.  I'll take you through my thought journey.  One, Yogic Muse, a yoga writer I read blogged about this project. It is a community project for 21 days to write 800 words each day and do yoga 5 times a week. 

Two, I read an entry I read this entry yesterday from the Daily OM called Translating our Feelings.

It talks about how when we approach new things we might think we are scared about something but really it is excitement we feel.  Hmmm.

Three, I had a conversation with some friends about the trauma of the last six months.  Cancer is a tough road.  I've written about the testing, diagnosis, surgeries, chemotherapy and some of the millions of doctor's appointments (ok, so it seems like millions).  Cancer is tough not only for the physical hardships but for the mental ones as well.  There are so many life-altering conditions.  One of the comments from one of the doctors in the last few weeks was very specific, "don't make any major decisions in your life right now."   That in itself set me to thinking.  I think people act erratically as they sit in this tailspin of cancer.  I know in the last few weeks I have thought that chucking everything and living on a beach or on a mountain with just my family would be the right choice.  Of course that money thing always gets in the way!  I have chalked that up to just needing a vacation.  I have sat here and tried to imagine what other people do as they recover from cancer.  Quit their jobs? Move?  Change their friends?  I can't think of them, just a lack of imagination this morning.  But I have felt more and different kinds of stress in the last few months than I have ever felt before. 

So I joined this writing-yoga project in time to start today. New Project I decided to join so I can explore my writing a bit more deliberately.  Writing takes me to a wonderful place.  It calms my mind and heart.  For me, every time, starting to write is scary.  As I walk toward my desk, I feel my heart pounding in my ears and my skin gets hot.  I am not sure why.  Once I get there I am engaged.  It is about capturing the essence of truth as I see it at that particular moment.

Am I scared because I am putting myself out there for so many people to see?   Is it because it isn't safe?  I'm not sure why.  Is it because we are scared to be successful?  If I, or anyone who takes risks, is scared of how it will change their current life?  Or am I scared at all and is it like the writer wrote about in the Daily OM, is it really excitement I feel?  I think true fulfillment in life comes in identifying what you want and then figuring out a way to get those things in your life.  I have done it, in my work and in my life but each time requires diligent effort and thought.  Each time, I have had to make a deliberate decision, make a goal and then work hard to meet that goal.  It doesn't come easily to me.  I know some people that it comes easily to and I am just a little bit jealous of them.  I also know people who have not been willing to take any risks at all and have lived a sheltered life.   Of all them, I know many happy people but is there a difference between happiness and fulfillment?  I want to explore all these thoughts in my writing. 

The yoga is a bonus.  I went to a great meditation class with a Buddhist monk sponsored by a local hospital that I have been meaning to tell you about for the last few weeks so I hope to weave his story into a blog entry or two.  

I started my first novel when I was 12.  I remember sitting on the basement stairs in our house in suburban Chicago.  The typewriter was perched in front of me precariously.  I typed two pages.  I remember coming up and proclaiming prophetically to my mother, "I don't know enough to write yet."  I want to see if I know enough now.   I will stretch and write both personally and fictionally over the next 21 days.  I won't make you suffer through all of it.  But if I think it might be interesting, I'll post some of it here on my blog.  I'm looking forward...

By the way this is my first day and my first 917 words...

Summer Rain

It seems more like spring than June.  All weekend in Chicago bursts of rain have come and then just as quickly gone.  Yesterday I sat on our balcony most of the day and I marveled at how lush and green the trees are in Lincoln Park.  I drank coffee and watched the soccer and baseball games off in the distance.  I am resting.    Well resting for me.  Today I cleaned my home office and filed stuff that has been piling up for a couple of years.  I also laid out the plans for how to train for the Apple Cider century bike ride that I want to do in the fall.  I am not allowed to exercise yet.  No yoga.  No biking.  No lifting anything over 10 lbs. 

I am amazed at how tired I am.  Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised.  Two surgeries and twelve weeks of chemo since December 14th.  I used to get up in the middle of the night and read, or write but now I never get up.  I wouldn't say I sleep but I don't get out of bed.  I am struggling with working all day.  Yet I am not in my "chair" anymore.  You know, there was a big, black leather recliner I lived in post surgery and during chemo.  I haven't sat in it in a month.  Not even after surgery 12 days ago.   Weekend afternoons I lie on the couch and watch cycling races on television and nap.   Cycling races are very long so I usually don't miss much.

I am worried that the tiredness is menopause.   I am on Tamoxifen for the next five years to prevent a recurrence and it guarantees menopause.    But I think that mostly it has caused hot flashes.  I don't have terrible hot flashes, just 20 or so a day.   I only wear short sleeves shirts and layer everything.  At night, I crawl into bed cold, cover up with a sheet, blanket and comforter.  And every half hour or so I wake, adding or subtracting layers.  Usually I wake, flipping the covers off, then wake every 15 minutes adding a layer back on. 

I wish I could go away for a few days.  It's not possible right now.  But tonight I felt like we were on vacation.  We walked to a neighborhood place, a romantic dinner at a little French bistro and I sat with the open windows at my back while it rained.  I could hear the car tires hissing through the water on the street and people racing, squealing through the showers.  I sat and enjoyed the soft music and the gentle conversations of the room. 

Dinner was delicious, fresh summer fish.  I'm not sure when that happened but things taste normal again.  I snacked on a couple of ginger snaps yesterday and I thought while I was eating them, "now why did I live on these for a month?"  I celebrated that things taste normal again tonight and had my favorite Profiteroles, which are little puff pastry shells stuffed with ice cream and covered in hot fudge. 

I'm looking forward ....