Michele is resting in her room. Both surgeries went well. Her lymph nodes were negative, which is very good news.
Ken
Monday, December 14, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Prepping for Surgery
My surgery time has been changed, it is now 1:15 p.m. on Monday December 14th (moved later). The good news is they will let me get up and have breakfast before 5 a.m. on Monday. Those who know me, know that is fine. I will probably be up anyway. But nothing by mouth after 5 a.m. I am happy, I will get to have my morning coffee so I won't go into surgery with a caffeine withdrawal headache. How did I ever get addicted to caffeine anyway? But this is not the week to try to kick that habit and go through withdrawal.
The schedule has aligned. Monday, Adam is studying chemistry after school and then going to a friend's house to study some more and hopefully not eat them out of house and home. Ken will be with me until I am up in my room which may not be until 8 p.m. or so in the evening. Two close friends will be there that night, one to stay overnight in the hospital with me and one to check in on me.
I have finished what Christmas shopping I am going to do, I have written what cards I am going to send, I have decorated the Christmas tree with decorations. I have let life get smaller. Only the most important ornaments (most made by my grandmother with a few Adam child ones) are on the tree. The cards are for immediate family. The shopping just enough so the tree will have something beneath it that matters to Ken and Adam. Funny movies have arrived on loan from family and friends. When those run out, I have a great list for Netflix.
Work is done. The new sales "guy" (he's from New York, so I think that is ok) starts January 4, 2010. The Christmas party is planned, the gifts for the team bought, the NY Eve celebration organized for those who have to work. For the boards I serve on, I have begged volunteers to pick up my pieces for now.
I went and got a kick-butt hair cut Thursday afternoon. I am not going to sit around and stare at gray, out of control hair. This morning Ken and I went to the club and took a biking class. I felt out of shape and not very strong but I will do it again in the morning because I don't know when I will be able to again.
Tonight, Ken and I are making one of my special comfort meals: steaks (grass fed beef), baked potatoes (with cheese and sour cream of course), broccoli with slices of lemon. Most importantly, Ken is making his special desert; chocolate souffle cake. The best desert on the planet; chocolate cake with a warm gooey center.
Unless I have some brilliant epiphany that I need to share in these last 36 hours, I am signing off. I will talk to you on the other side of my surgery and let you know how it went and how I am. I have asked Ken to post a quick note Monday night to let you know I am out of surgery and all right.
Thank you all for the great movie comments and emails. I have a wonderful list that I will share after I put it together. Thank you for all your support.
Looking forward,
Michele
The schedule has aligned. Monday, Adam is studying chemistry after school and then going to a friend's house to study some more and hopefully not eat them out of house and home. Ken will be with me until I am up in my room which may not be until 8 p.m. or so in the evening. Two close friends will be there that night, one to stay overnight in the hospital with me and one to check in on me.
I have finished what Christmas shopping I am going to do, I have written what cards I am going to send, I have decorated the Christmas tree with decorations. I have let life get smaller. Only the most important ornaments (most made by my grandmother with a few Adam child ones) are on the tree. The cards are for immediate family. The shopping just enough so the tree will have something beneath it that matters to Ken and Adam. Funny movies have arrived on loan from family and friends. When those run out, I have a great list for Netflix.
Work is done. The new sales "guy" (he's from New York, so I think that is ok) starts January 4, 2010. The Christmas party is planned, the gifts for the team bought, the NY Eve celebration organized for those who have to work. For the boards I serve on, I have begged volunteers to pick up my pieces for now.
I went and got a kick-butt hair cut Thursday afternoon. I am not going to sit around and stare at gray, out of control hair. This morning Ken and I went to the club and took a biking class. I felt out of shape and not very strong but I will do it again in the morning because I don't know when I will be able to again.
Tonight, Ken and I are making one of my special comfort meals: steaks (grass fed beef), baked potatoes (with cheese and sour cream of course), broccoli with slices of lemon. Most importantly, Ken is making his special desert; chocolate souffle cake. The best desert on the planet; chocolate cake with a warm gooey center.
Unless I have some brilliant epiphany that I need to share in these last 36 hours, I am signing off. I will talk to you on the other side of my surgery and let you know how it went and how I am. I have asked Ken to post a quick note Monday night to let you know I am out of surgery and all right.
Thank you all for the great movie comments and emails. I have a wonderful list that I will share after I put it together. Thank you for all your support.
Looking forward,
Michele
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Waiting
It's 6 a.m. and I have been up since 4 a.m. Waiting is difficult. It is physical. This knot in the pit of your stomach. The tautness in the back of my neck. I try to meditate. I try to watch TV (you know there really isn't much on in the middle of the night!). I try to read and I spent part of the time surfing the internet reading yoga blogs. I read email. But my email is way down as I have cut myself off of a ton of work related emails over the past week.
I did laundry. Tonight I will decorate the Christmas tree and play Christmas carols. That will be better perhaps. The time is winding down and I am stepping off into the unknown.
Somehow I have to make this transition into myself. I spend so much of my time focusing outward, taking care of everything else. And right now there is just me to focus on and what I need to take care of is... me. This is a challenge.
I did laundry. Tonight I will decorate the Christmas tree and play Christmas carols. That will be better perhaps. The time is winding down and I am stepping off into the unknown.
Somehow I have to make this transition into myself. I spend so much of my time focusing outward, taking care of everything else. And right now there is just me to focus on and what I need to take care of is... me. This is a challenge.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Centered
Friday night we went out to our old neighborhood and had dinner with two families. Friends from when we all lived on the same block. They still live there and we moved back to the city, to a condo away from the suburbs, gardens and community. These were great neighbors. The kind of people that you would see outside and stop to chat with for an hour. People with who we have been biking, had Easter dinner, taught Sunday school, shared books.
There was something about that dinner. We sat around a table talking and joking about health care reform and global warming. We joked about current events and then we got to all the family stuff. How is your brother? What trips do folks have planned for the summer? I ate. I ate more than I have in a month. Delivered pizza and brownies never tasted so good. The night flew by. All of sudden four hours had passed.
We made room at the table for the four kids so we could all be together. It was warm and wonderful on a very cold night. I felt very centered sitting there around the crowded table. We had talked about going into town for the Christmas walk but we just never made it off the chairs.
In the city, you have to make your own community. Your community is not necessarily your neighbors or the people who live in your building. I had forgotten what it is like to be part of such a geographic based community and I realized how much I miss the friends from our suburban life. I have been more relaxed since that dinner. I am more ready to face the future. That is what friends do, help you face the future.
Thanks to them for that.
There was something about that dinner. We sat around a table talking and joking about health care reform and global warming. We joked about current events and then we got to all the family stuff. How is your brother? What trips do folks have planned for the summer? I ate. I ate more than I have in a month. Delivered pizza and brownies never tasted so good. The night flew by. All of sudden four hours had passed.
We made room at the table for the four kids so we could all be together. It was warm and wonderful on a very cold night. I felt very centered sitting there around the crowded table. We had talked about going into town for the Christmas walk but we just never made it off the chairs.
In the city, you have to make your own community. Your community is not necessarily your neighbors or the people who live in your building. I had forgotten what it is like to be part of such a geographic based community and I realized how much I miss the friends from our suburban life. I have been more relaxed since that dinner. I am more ready to face the future. That is what friends do, help you face the future.
Thanks to them for that.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Funny Movie List
The countdown is 8 days. My surgery is Monday December 14th. For the last few days, I have been thinking of how I will handle the down time and recovery. And I need help, I need names of funny movies that I can watch while I am recuperating.
Let's make a few clarifying requests. I am not into slapstick like Benny Hill or Monty Python. Here is a list of movies that I think are comedy that I like:
Men in Black
Ghostbusters
The Princess Bride
Groundhog Day
You've Got Mail!
Mama Mia!
I probably have dated myself here. I am open to suggestions. Please comment and suggest something.
thanks in advance,
Let's make a few clarifying requests. I am not into slapstick like Benny Hill or Monty Python. Here is a list of movies that I think are comedy that I like:
Men in Black
Ghostbusters
The Princess Bride
Groundhog Day
You've Got Mail!
Mama Mia!
I probably have dated myself here. I am open to suggestions. Please comment and suggest something.
thanks in advance,
Friday, December 4, 2009
Exercise: "I don't speak Portuguese" yet.
I have tried to play the sympathy card with my trainer. You should be nice to me I said, I have cancer. He laughed and said, "this is tough love baby". And it is. I need to be as strong as I can to get through this process. Yes, mentally strong but I need to stay physically strong. I ran across an article in the Chicago Tribune on 11/23/09 about a research study on the huge risks of inactivity.
It talked about 20 year old Danish males who were relatively inactive but walked between 6000 and 10,000 steps a day. There is roughly 2000 steps per mile so they were averaging between 3-5 miles. The researchers restricted them to 1500 steps a day. In just two weeks their weight hadn't gone up but their abdominal fat had increased 7%. They also showed signs of increased risk of diabetes and heart disease. Their insulin average increased 60%!
When I was 20 I wasn't particularly healthy and I made a vow to myself that I would be healthier when I was 30 than when I was 20. When I was 30 I was thin but not particularly healthy and I nodded to myself and said I was busy. Then marriage, a baby and I was overweight, busy and not healthy. I am certainly not saying the marriage caused the weight gain (but come on, when I was single dinner was a sliced apple and some cheese). When I was 40 I pretty much said to myself, who are you kidding? You said you would get healthier as you got older. You said you would take better care of yourself and you're not. I wanted to set a better example for my son. So I stripped away the excuses and started walking 10,000 steps a day. Then I added yoga. Then I added the elliptical. Then Ken and I started biking together and I got addicted. Then I added weight training so I would be stronger on the bike and healthier as I aged. I can see 50 from here. My brother was here this week and we did a couple yoga classes together, a real joy. He asked, "are you in the best shape of your life?" I felt a sense of satisfaction as I answered "pretty much." I was also biking 100 miles a week 6 weeks ago was so I was probably in better shape then. But it sure feels good.
All of this is a long way to get to admitting that I am scared about how hard it will be to get back into shape after the surgeries. How much flexibility, strength and training will I lose and how quickly? Look at the 20 year old Danish men, I mean my goodness, two weeks and it's all downhill. The study proves what we know. Lack of exercise hurts you. And I am a lot older than 20 something. I think most of us take our good health for granted. I certainly did.
This is how older people get old. Something happens, they get injured or sick and it takes longer and longer to recover. Or they can't recover to where they were before. That all seems pretty scary to me. I don't have a guide for how to recover from surgery. What to do and how. I am concerned about how quickly I will be able to or feel like moving again.
My trainer, Jean, shared something a few weeks ago. For the first time since we have been training together I said, "I can't." He smiled and laughed. He said, " I don't speak Portuguese." I said, "I beg your pardon?" He repeated, "I don't speak Portuguese." I must have looked mystified. He said, "haven't I ever told you that before?" "Nope." "Well you probably have never said "I can't before." He said, "I just don't understand those words. As far as I am concerned that must be Portuguese and I don't speak it. Let's go. Get it done." I laughed and we moved on.
So we will see if I after surgery if I have to learn to speak Portuguese.
The Chicago Tribune article is here:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/chi-tc-health-action-move-1118nov22,0,1946747.story
The actual study results link: http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/full/299/11/1261-a
It talked about 20 year old Danish males who were relatively inactive but walked between 6000 and 10,000 steps a day. There is roughly 2000 steps per mile so they were averaging between 3-5 miles. The researchers restricted them to 1500 steps a day. In just two weeks their weight hadn't gone up but their abdominal fat had increased 7%. They also showed signs of increased risk of diabetes and heart disease. Their insulin average increased 60%!
When I was 20 I wasn't particularly healthy and I made a vow to myself that I would be healthier when I was 30 than when I was 20. When I was 30 I was thin but not particularly healthy and I nodded to myself and said I was busy. Then marriage, a baby and I was overweight, busy and not healthy. I am certainly not saying the marriage caused the weight gain (but come on, when I was single dinner was a sliced apple and some cheese). When I was 40 I pretty much said to myself, who are you kidding? You said you would get healthier as you got older. You said you would take better care of yourself and you're not. I wanted to set a better example for my son. So I stripped away the excuses and started walking 10,000 steps a day. Then I added yoga. Then I added the elliptical. Then Ken and I started biking together and I got addicted. Then I added weight training so I would be stronger on the bike and healthier as I aged. I can see 50 from here. My brother was here this week and we did a couple yoga classes together, a real joy. He asked, "are you in the best shape of your life?" I felt a sense of satisfaction as I answered "pretty much." I was also biking 100 miles a week 6 weeks ago was so I was probably in better shape then. But it sure feels good.
All of this is a long way to get to admitting that I am scared about how hard it will be to get back into shape after the surgeries. How much flexibility, strength and training will I lose and how quickly? Look at the 20 year old Danish men, I mean my goodness, two weeks and it's all downhill. The study proves what we know. Lack of exercise hurts you. And I am a lot older than 20 something. I think most of us take our good health for granted. I certainly did.
This is how older people get old. Something happens, they get injured or sick and it takes longer and longer to recover. Or they can't recover to where they were before. That all seems pretty scary to me. I don't have a guide for how to recover from surgery. What to do and how. I am concerned about how quickly I will be able to or feel like moving again.
My trainer, Jean, shared something a few weeks ago. For the first time since we have been training together I said, "I can't." He smiled and laughed. He said, " I don't speak Portuguese." I said, "I beg your pardon?" He repeated, "I don't speak Portuguese." I must have looked mystified. He said, "haven't I ever told you that before?" "Nope." "Well you probably have never said "I can't before." He said, "I just don't understand those words. As far as I am concerned that must be Portuguese and I don't speak it. Let's go. Get it done." I laughed and we moved on.
So we will see if I after surgery if I have to learn to speak Portuguese.
The Chicago Tribune article is here:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/chi-tc-health-action-move-1118nov22,0,1946747.story
The actual study results link: http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/full/299/11/1261-a
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Letting Others In
I hired my own replacement.
I have been training him for two days. It took 3 hours to explain something that I do in 20 minutes. I have the courage to let someone else do it. I am not nervous about him doing it. I am not scared. He is very experienced and he has a good sense of humor. Both are required traits. But it sure feels weird.
Letting others in and accepting their care is a struggle and something that scares me more than hiring someone to replace me. So many friends have asked how they can help and I am speechless. Of course right now, I don't need really need any physical help. But even if I do, I don't know that I will know how to ask. I have had wonderful emotional support from friends and even that is awkward. Do other people feel like uncomfortable talking about themselves and spending so much time on this? Some people seem so gracious about letting others into their lives. I feel like I am 13 all over again. Over the past few weeks many friends have sent cards, emailed and called. Or they have talked to my family who have passed on their messages to me. I am very appreciative and filled with warmth at the well wishes, but when it comes to talking I am uncomfortable. I am not one to put myself out there and draw attention to myself. I don't think most of us are. There have been some moments when I feel like screaming, "would everyone please just leave me alone!" This is my brain pretending that I don't have cancer and I am not scheduled for surgery less than two weeks from now. I will act like this isn't happening and it won't be, I think.
A friend made a comment a few weeks ago when I was talking about being overwhelmed by the attention "yes, it's really terrible to have so many people care about you." (She really was being sarcastic.) But that comment has been ringing in my head for the last few weeks. It is hard to let other people in this close. I think we all build up our lives and work to do what we think matters and I think for different people that is very different every day. I let my husband and son care for me daily. I care for them too. That is how family works (at least I am fortunate enough that mine does). Being exposed to outsiders is scary. I think it is easy for people to think they would be comfortable with the expressions and attention and it is hard when it really happens.
I can just see you thinking, yeah, she says she is uncomfortable but here she is writing it all down. I mean, I write this blog right? So I want people to know. But I write this because it is easier for me to write it than talk about it. When my mom was here last week, I looked straight at her (I even surprised myself) and said, "I don't want to talk about it." But if I write it down, I know (or I have conned myself) that I am dealing with it. It forces me too. I am not keeping it all locked up inside.
So I will practice going forward and accepting the warmth and affection from the people who care about me. I will ask for help if I need it and I will tamp down those awkward 13 year old girl moments and not scream, "just leave me alone."
I have been training him for two days. It took 3 hours to explain something that I do in 20 minutes. I have the courage to let someone else do it. I am not nervous about him doing it. I am not scared. He is very experienced and he has a good sense of humor. Both are required traits. But it sure feels weird.
Letting others in and accepting their care is a struggle and something that scares me more than hiring someone to replace me. So many friends have asked how they can help and I am speechless. Of course right now, I don't need really need any physical help. But even if I do, I don't know that I will know how to ask. I have had wonderful emotional support from friends and even that is awkward. Do other people feel like uncomfortable talking about themselves and spending so much time on this? Some people seem so gracious about letting others into their lives. I feel like I am 13 all over again. Over the past few weeks many friends have sent cards, emailed and called. Or they have talked to my family who have passed on their messages to me. I am very appreciative and filled with warmth at the well wishes, but when it comes to talking I am uncomfortable. I am not one to put myself out there and draw attention to myself. I don't think most of us are. There have been some moments when I feel like screaming, "would everyone please just leave me alone!" This is my brain pretending that I don't have cancer and I am not scheduled for surgery less than two weeks from now. I will act like this isn't happening and it won't be, I think.
A friend made a comment a few weeks ago when I was talking about being overwhelmed by the attention "yes, it's really terrible to have so many people care about you." (She really was being sarcastic.) But that comment has been ringing in my head for the last few weeks. It is hard to let other people in this close. I think we all build up our lives and work to do what we think matters and I think for different people that is very different every day. I let my husband and son care for me daily. I care for them too. That is how family works (at least I am fortunate enough that mine does). Being exposed to outsiders is scary. I think it is easy for people to think they would be comfortable with the expressions and attention and it is hard when it really happens.
I can just see you thinking, yeah, she says she is uncomfortable but here she is writing it all down. I mean, I write this blog right? So I want people to know. But I write this because it is easier for me to write it than talk about it. When my mom was here last week, I looked straight at her (I even surprised myself) and said, "I don't want to talk about it." But if I write it down, I know (or I have conned myself) that I am dealing with it. It forces me too. I am not keeping it all locked up inside.
So I will practice going forward and accepting the warmth and affection from the people who care about me. I will ask for help if I need it and I will tamp down those awkward 13 year old girl moments and not scream, "just leave me alone."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)