Mornings are tough. Sleeping is very difficult. I have plastic drains coming out of three places in my body (you really don't want to know a lot about those). But because of these I can only sleep perfectly flat on my back. I can't turn or move. So I have yet to get up after being in bed overnight and feel rested. Mostly I get up and I ache. I know sleep is very important to the recuperative process so I take the Vicodin and go to bed. But I feel best after my short naps during the day.
During the naps I don't seem to dream. At night, I feel like I just move from one weird dream to the next. So I woke up this morning from a yoga dream. In my dream, I was doing yoga in this beautiful white, well lit room. I was stretching and I was doing yoga like gymnastics. Walking along a line on the floor. I even did a cartwheel. Certainly not a yoga move. Then I was setting up to do a headstand.
Now, I don't know if any of you have done one lately, but this is how you do a headstand. You make the top two parts of a triangle with your hands, you gently rest the back of your head in the nest of your two hands. Then you lift your body onto your toes and walk them toward your head and hands. This slowly lift your hips over your body in a vertical position. Then you use your core stomach muscles to pull your legs over head one at a time and you hold it for 3-4 minutes. But you have to press ALOT into your arms and use them as leverage to push yourselves up. And it helps to have your arms closer to your ears and head rather than further away. But when you do it. It is blissful. I did one the night before I went into surgery, along with a back bend just to remind myself that I am strong.
I am NOT an expert at headstands. I still have to think about every body part. I did one successfully without help for the first time in the last month.
So, I am not sure why I was dreaming of doing yoga or headstands. But what I can tell you is that I felt like I had done the yoga physically when I woke up. Everything in my shoulders and arms hurts a bit more this morning. But it also gave me a sense that I can.
The days go up and down like that. I feel like I can and then I need a nap.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Pain Management
Before the surgery, I had told all my doctors I am allergic to Codeine, Vicodin and morphine. They told me I am not allergic as my throat doesn't shut down. I only get hives and super sensitive skin (that can feel like it is crawling). I never knew but now I know, this is only a side effect and not an allergy. Oh joy. So as I was leaving the hospital they have given a prescription for Vicodin and told me to take a Benedryl every time I take one to reduce the risk of hives.
Wednesday is the day that turned out not to work so well.
I have never felt anything like this internal pain. My insides were quivering and shaking. Some of that you could see on the surface. If you asked me what the pain was on a scale of 1 -10, I would say it was a 7. I am the most pain tolerant person I know. One day I had 3 dental crowns put in, that pain was only a 4. Some of the pain was internal and some was that guy that keeps standing on my chest who weighs 200 pounds. My left shoulder was also cramping up and in a full spasm.
I got up desperate Wednesday morning and called our dear friend, Lauren, who is a masseuse and has the most magic warm hands. She came over within hours and spent time just working gently on my shoulder and back. Her gift is her hands, she said. When she worked on me (I sat in a chair) she noticed that they had pen marks on my back. I just keep wondering, what did they do to me while I was out? Immediately, the cramping was gone and my back felt much better.
Finally, I called the doctor at 6 p.m. when I thought I might pass out from the internal pain. The fellow cheerfully informed me that they had only given me 1/2 the normal dose of Vicodin as they thought that might help me not get hives. She immediately suggested that I go take another Vicodin right away and then take 2 tabs every six hours for a couple of days.
I have never been one to believe in drugs. I am into yoga, organic foods, balanced diets and exercise. But let me tell, I now know what Vicodin bliss is. For the moment, I will ignore the weird side effects and the crazy feelings these drugs give and I will enjoy the reduction in pain.
Wednesday is the day that turned out not to work so well.
I have never felt anything like this internal pain. My insides were quivering and shaking. Some of that you could see on the surface. If you asked me what the pain was on a scale of 1 -10, I would say it was a 7. I am the most pain tolerant person I know. One day I had 3 dental crowns put in, that pain was only a 4. Some of the pain was internal and some was that guy that keeps standing on my chest who weighs 200 pounds. My left shoulder was also cramping up and in a full spasm.
I got up desperate Wednesday morning and called our dear friend, Lauren, who is a masseuse and has the most magic warm hands. She came over within hours and spent time just working gently on my shoulder and back. Her gift is her hands, she said. When she worked on me (I sat in a chair) she noticed that they had pen marks on my back. I just keep wondering, what did they do to me while I was out? Immediately, the cramping was gone and my back felt much better.
Finally, I called the doctor at 6 p.m. when I thought I might pass out from the internal pain. The fellow cheerfully informed me that they had only given me 1/2 the normal dose of Vicodin as they thought that might help me not get hives. She immediately suggested that I go take another Vicodin right away and then take 2 tabs every six hours for a couple of days.
I have never been one to believe in drugs. I am into yoga, organic foods, balanced diets and exercise. But let me tell, I now know what Vicodin bliss is. For the moment, I will ignore the weird side effects and the crazy feelings these drugs give and I will enjoy the reduction in pain.
Disclaimer
Ok, I am still awake and just re-read what I wrote. I am on pain killers, I tell you. So, if the last three blog entries make no sense, just wait a few days, I will straighten them out as soon as I get drug free!
Coming Home
I think my health insurance company paid the day nursing assistant on Tuesday so that I would insist on going home. While changing my gown, she pulled on one of the tubes. She bumped my bed. I just about jumped out the window. Then she told me that I needed to calm down.
But the real fact is that I didn't need medical care after the first 12 hours. I need to rest and recover which you can't really do at a hospital. I didn't want to spend another night with people poking me every hour.
In addition, I have a thing about IV's. I'm fine with having them if they are useful. But Tuesday a.m. they took it out but they left the needle part in. Just in case they said. Hospital policy, in case we have to administer medication quickly. I'll tell you after the fiasco with the IV earlier with my hand, if I had staying another night I would have ripped it out with my teeth.
It was hard to get to the car, to get into the apartment. I was walking very slowly. I could tell Ellen had to focus to walk with me. But the best part in the world is sliding into the clean sheets of your own bed. I was momentarily ecstatic. Later the back pain and the weight on my chest showed up.
During that first night, I had drug dreams and every time I woke up I started repeating the mantra I had used all day before surgery. It helped.
My mantra:
May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
But the real fact is that I didn't need medical care after the first 12 hours. I need to rest and recover which you can't really do at a hospital. I didn't want to spend another night with people poking me every hour.
In addition, I have a thing about IV's. I'm fine with having them if they are useful. But Tuesday a.m. they took it out but they left the needle part in. Just in case they said. Hospital policy, in case we have to administer medication quickly. I'll tell you after the fiasco with the IV earlier with my hand, if I had staying another night I would have ripped it out with my teeth.
It was hard to get to the car, to get into the apartment. I was walking very slowly. I could tell Ellen had to focus to walk with me. But the best part in the world is sliding into the clean sheets of your own bed. I was momentarily ecstatic. Later the back pain and the weight on my chest showed up.
During that first night, I had drug dreams and every time I woke up I started repeating the mantra I had used all day before surgery. It helped.
My mantra:
May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
Surgery Night
Hospitals are exhausting. it was 3:30 a.m. Remember now, I hadn't eaten or had anything by mouth for 23 hours and the nurse was insisting that I get up and use the bathroom. I looked at her and said, "I don't need to" and thought about throwing a temper tantrum. She said, nicely, that I still had to dangle my legs over the side of my bed. So then I thought, after I got to there, that I might as well, as long as I was up. She said that was what she thought I would do all along. Tricky, these night nurses. Actually both night nurses, Paulina and Maria were wonderful.
Ellen cheered me on, telling me I was strong and doing great. Thank God for Ellen. She fed me ice chips, and talked to me off and on all night. And she did it all looking great. Here I was a disaster and I am looking up at her from my bed and her hair looks just like she got ready and she been asleep on like a nylon sofa futon thing for hours.
I was awake every hour from about 11 p.m. to 6 a.m. then I was up for the day.
Ellen cheered me on, telling me I was strong and doing great. Thank God for Ellen. She fed me ice chips, and talked to me off and on all night. And she did it all looking great. Here I was a disaster and I am looking up at her from my bed and her hair looks just like she got ready and she been asleep on like a nylon sofa futon thing for hours.
I was awake every hour from about 11 p.m. to 6 a.m. then I was up for the day.
Surgery Day
The last thing I remember is being thirsty and the nurse anesthetist saying, this is going to feel like two glasses of wine. Well, I'm not sure what kind of wine she drinks but I remember nothing from that moment forward. It was certainly not like any two glasses of wine I have ever had.
I was in surgery a long time. Three hours for the cancer piece and two hours for the beginning of the reconstruction. I know it was hardest on everyone waiting.
The first thing the surgeon said to Ken and Ellen when he went to talk to them is that I told him a joke as soon as I woke up. They said he was pretty amazed. I think when I woke up they must have been talking about Santa Claus or Tiger Woods because right now that is the only joke I know. So I told it.
Then I remember the recovery room. Ken says the nurses were amused that I was trying to run things. I kept telling them they had to let Ken in to see me (no one is allowed to see you until you get to your room on the floor). I remember being concerned that Ken had to get home to Adam so I am sure they are right, I was trying to get him in. I remember moving over from the operating room bed onto the room bed. I remember having this fleeting thought that my legs were still strong. They let Ken, Chris and Ellen all into my room at the same time. I remember thinking the room was small and feeling like the walls were dark and were closing in on me. Then the feeling went away as I drifted in and out. It turns out the room was lovely. I was just too out of it to know.
I am thrilled that I wasn't sick or nauseous when I woke up. I had talked and talked to the anesthesiologist about how many drugs made me sick. So whatever they did to help manage that worked.
I do remember waking up to this feeling that there is a man who weighs 200 pounds standing on my chest. It still feels like that.
I was in surgery a long time. Three hours for the cancer piece and two hours for the beginning of the reconstruction. I know it was hardest on everyone waiting.
The first thing the surgeon said to Ken and Ellen when he went to talk to them is that I told him a joke as soon as I woke up. They said he was pretty amazed. I think when I woke up they must have been talking about Santa Claus or Tiger Woods because right now that is the only joke I know. So I told it.
Then I remember the recovery room. Ken says the nurses were amused that I was trying to run things. I kept telling them they had to let Ken in to see me (no one is allowed to see you until you get to your room on the floor). I remember being concerned that Ken had to get home to Adam so I am sure they are right, I was trying to get him in. I remember moving over from the operating room bed onto the room bed. I remember having this fleeting thought that my legs were still strong. They let Ken, Chris and Ellen all into my room at the same time. I remember thinking the room was small and feeling like the walls were dark and were closing in on me. Then the feeling went away as I drifted in and out. It turns out the room was lovely. I was just too out of it to know.
I am thrilled that I wasn't sick or nauseous when I woke up. I had talked and talked to the anesthesiologist about how many drugs made me sick. So whatever they did to help manage that worked.
I do remember waking up to this feeling that there is a man who weighs 200 pounds standing on my chest. It still feels like that.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
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