It seems more like spring than June. All weekend in Chicago bursts of rain have come and then just as quickly gone. Yesterday I sat on our balcony most of the day and I marveled at how lush and green the trees are in Lincoln Park. I drank coffee and watched the soccer and baseball games off in the distance. I am resting. Well resting for me. Today I cleaned my home office and filed stuff that has been piling up for a couple of years. I also laid out the plans for how to train for the Apple Cider century bike ride that I want to do in the fall. I am not allowed to exercise yet. No yoga. No biking. No lifting anything over 10 lbs.
I am amazed at how tired I am. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised. Two surgeries and twelve weeks of chemo since December 14th. I used to get up in the middle of the night and read, or write but now I never get up. I wouldn't say I sleep but I don't get out of bed. I am struggling with working all day. Yet I am not in my "chair" anymore. You know, there was a big, black leather recliner I lived in post surgery and during chemo. I haven't sat in it in a month. Not even after surgery 12 days ago. Weekend afternoons I lie on the couch and watch cycling races on television and nap. Cycling races are very long so I usually don't miss much.
I am worried that the tiredness is menopause. I am on Tamoxifen for the next five years to prevent a recurrence and it guarantees menopause. But I think that mostly it has caused hot flashes. I don't have terrible hot flashes, just 20 or so a day. I only wear short sleeves shirts and layer everything. At night, I crawl into bed cold, cover up with a sheet, blanket and comforter. And every half hour or so I wake, adding or subtracting layers. Usually I wake, flipping the covers off, then wake every 15 minutes adding a layer back on.
I wish I could go away for a few days. It's not possible right now. But tonight I felt like we were on vacation. We walked to a neighborhood place, a romantic dinner at a little French bistro and I sat with the open windows at my back while it rained. I could hear the car tires hissing through the water on the street and people racing, squealing through the showers. I sat and enjoyed the soft music and the gentle conversations of the room.
Dinner was delicious, fresh summer fish. I'm not sure when that happened but things taste normal again. I snacked on a couple of ginger snaps yesterday and I thought while I was eating them, "now why did I live on these for a month?" I celebrated that things taste normal again tonight and had my favorite Profiteroles, which are little puff pastry shells stuffed with ice cream and covered in hot fudge.
I'm looking forward ....