My goal all week was to work 1/2 days and rest to build up my strength. Thursday I worked a 1/2 day. Not exactly the 1/2 day I started out thinking I would work. It was more like the 1/2 day my Dad used to talk about when I was young. I used to ask about working a 1/2 day and he would answer, "Sure, you can work a 1/2 day, you pick which twelve hours."
But I made it and next week I have another few longs days staring at me. I feel a bit of a mess. My arms, neck and back are tight. I lift my arms to stretch and I feel like I am pulling on a string that is tied into the middle of a knot that I can't untie. I am sure I am holding my shoulders and head awkwardly. I actually feel awkward generally. Emotionally, I feel like I am not on solid ground. I feel like I am walking on a muddy path with the mud caking up on my boots slowing me down.
My body is a mess. My stomach doesn't work the same. Pizza doesn't taste good (this is perhaps a good thing). Exercise doesn't feel the same. My skin isn't the same. Driving feels different. My balance isn't the same. I certainly don't look the same. (Please don't take this as whining, this is just explaining my new "normal").
I am still on the journey of a cancer patient. There is no road map and my journey is not done. When you get cancer, there are millions of sites that tell you about the diagnosis, the treatment, picking a doctor, options for surgery and types of chemotherapy, side effects of chemotherapy. But there aren't many helpful web sites for what to do when you are done. A friend described it as doctors treating the diagnosis and not your health. That feels right. I am "treated". The medical community doesn't treat my getting healthy as anything they have a stake in. They have "finished" with this stage and in a couple of weeks I see the doctor to start medications to avoid a recurrence.
It is just by chance that the LiveStrong blog this week sent an article about a doctor who had breast cancer and talked about her recovery period as rehab.
http://www.livestrong.com/blog/blog/how-julie-survived-cancer-then-survived-treatment/
Her article talks about how with stroke patients, heart attack patients and many other types of illness there is a much more coordinated post-care treatment plan. With cancer, you just finish. That is where I am right now. I am finished with the treatment part of my journey but I am not sure what is next . This would have been a chemo week. I am filled with joy that I didn't have to go through another round. I am filled with joy that now, three and 1/2 weeks later, I have physically been as low as I will have to go (hopefully for a long time to come).
I am wonderfully, beautifully alive. I'm looking forward and finding my way there slowly.
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