Bravery: After Chemo 2 of 4

People say that I am brave and I am not sure what they mean.  I asked Ken to tell me why he thinks people say that because I am struggling to get it.  He thinks it is because (and I am paraphrasing here) that I do what I have to do in the moment.  I don't spend time talking about the fear and worry that are sometimes inside me with other people.   I am not sure why the fear and worry don't dwell in me.  It is almost like I am walking down a road and can see them in the distance but I don't feel them in my body.  Perhaps this is the benefit of my yoga and getting more control of my breath.  Perhaps it is from my very minor meditation practice that helps me see my thoughts but not be overtaken by them.  Perhaps I need major mental health intervention.  (joking!)

Most days, I just get up and do.  I have lists in my head about doctor's bills to be paid, and appointments to be kept.  Some days, it is let's make it to the couch and watch a movie. Today was a get up and go to chemo day. 

I tried to start the day focusing on the enjoyable things.  I got my TA TA's expanded again and I spent time sharing a yoga sequencing manual with the nurse in the plastic surgeon's office.  She is a new yoga instructor and exceptionally sweet.  We talked about how hard it is to surrender and accept help from others. 


Then on to the cancer center for  the blood draw, an exam with the oncologist, then chemotherapy.  For me, chemo really stinks.  I had another allergic reaction to the Taxotere.  They had to put me on oxygen because I couldn't breathe and pump me up with more steroids and different steroids and Benadryl.  I wasn't very brave, I was gasping and repeating, "I can't breathe.  I can't breathe."    You should see what kind of drugs they are proposing for next time to try and avoid this.


I don't feel that what I am doing is all that brave.  There are other people's whose challenges are much harder.  Having a sick child with something that lasts for months and not being able to fix it, that is what I think of when I think of bravery (and stress too).

This is my body.  I get to make decisions about what is right for me.  I am making choices and plans that will keep me alive and healthy and active.  But I think I am doing the best that I can with what I have moment to moment to live.  I think for me that is an internal kind of surrendering.  One that I have not often had to face before.  I am not sure I would describe that as bravery.  I think for me the word would be serenity.  I feel serene because I have confidence in the choices I have made and am making.