Nightmare

My life is divided right now.  I have been in the office the last few weeks 6 hours a day and am just getting back into the rhythm of "working".  It's not that I haven't been there for the last three weeks, it is just that I am finally getting my concentration and focus back.  Who knew you could lose that?  It's my role to drive the business forward and I finally feel like I am doing that again.  When I am home, we are getting back into our more normal routine of family dinners, and family things (like laundry!).


Weekends I have been devoting to getting into better shape.  During the week, I just don't have the energy to do both. This last weekend, we biked both mornings.  The first day I biked so slowly, I am surprised I didn't fall over.  And when I got home I had to lay on the floor and recover before showering.  Follow that up with a long Saturday afternoon walk.  Why was I so purposeful? The real answer was I wanted to try a huge FiveGuys cheeseburger and fries and couldn't in my mind justify the calories and splurging without a huge workout day to support it.  (The burger was great!)

Sunday morning, we were back on the bike and I felt better.  The answer is that it is always tough to get into shape, the cancer just makes it harder.  You have to want it.  And I do. My plan is to continue to alternate between during the week and weekends.  But everything is a little off plan today. 

Last night I had my first nightmare about having breast cancer and surgery.  I woke up crying this morning.   I am an optimist.  I have not had even one moment where I have doubted that this will be fine.  That I will make it.  That I will be cured of cancer.  But reliving the surgery in my dreams was terrifying.  It made today a little longer.  It made me a little more tired.  I struggled to get to work this morning.

I am looking forward and I will plan on more restful sleep for tonight.