Letting Others In

I hired my own replacement.

I have been training him for two days.  It took 3 hours to explain something that I do in 20 minutes.  I have the courage to let someone else do it.  I am not nervous about him doing it.  I am not scared.  He is very experienced and he has a good sense of humor.  Both are required traits.  But it sure feels weird.

Letting others in and accepting their care is a struggle and something that scares me more than hiring someone to replace me.  So many friends have asked how they can help and I am speechless.  Of course right now, I don't need really need any physical help.  But even if I do, I don't know that I will know how to ask.  I have had wonderful emotional support from friends and even that is awkward.  Do other people feel like uncomfortable talking about themselves and spending so much time on this?  Some people seem so gracious about letting others into their lives.  I feel like I am 13 all over again.  Over the past few weeks many friends have sent cards, emailed and called.  Or they have talked to my family who have passed on their messages to me.  I am very appreciative and filled with warmth at the well wishes, but when it comes to talking I am uncomfortable.  I am not one to put myself out there and draw attention to myself.  I don't think most of us are.  There have been some moments when I feel like screaming, "would everyone please just leave me alone!"  This is my brain pretending that I don't have cancer and I am not scheduled for surgery less than two weeks from now.  I will act like this isn't happening and it won't be, I think.  


A friend made a comment a few weeks ago when I was talking about being overwhelmed by the attention "yes, it's really terrible to have so many people care about you."  (She really was being sarcastic.)  But that comment has been ringing in my head for the last few weeks.  It is hard to let other people in this close.  I think we all build up our lives and work to do what we think matters and I think for different people that is very different every day.  I let my husband and son care for me daily.  I care for them too.  That is how family works (at least I am fortunate enough that mine does).  Being exposed to outsiders is scary.  I think it is easy for people to think they would be comfortable with the expressions and attention and it is hard when it really happens.


I can just see you thinking, yeah, she says she is uncomfortable but here she is writing it all down.   I mean, I write this blog right?  So I want people to know.  But I write this because it is easier for me to write it than talk about it.  When my mom was here last week, I looked straight at her (I even surprised myself) and said, "I don't want to talk about it."  But if I write it down, I know (or I have conned myself) that I am dealing with it.  It forces me too.  I am not keeping it all locked up inside.

So I will practice going forward and accepting  the warmth and affection from the people who care about me.  I will ask for help if I need it and I will tamp down those awkward 13 year old girl moments and not scream, "just leave me alone."