Somehow in the last two weeks, I have lost my center. I went into the surgery centered, whole and feeling able to handle whatever happened. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm anxious, flitting from one thing to the next and not coping all that well. I am certainly not prepared to start chemotherapy. So how do I get back to being centered before chemo starts? How do I start off the New Year in a positive and optimistic frame of mind? These are life issues not cancer issues. But I have decided that pain killers certainly impact the thought process and I think they are derailing me.
I feel like there is no road map for how to recover. The nurses keep saying it is a very individual process. Some folks take pain killers for one day and not again. Some are in pain for a month. I certainly thought I would be the one day kind of pain killer person. It might be I am in pain for a month.
My meditations seem not to be able to help me relax and move away from the pain. Every morning, before every afternoon nap and every night I spend 10 minutes chanting to myself:
May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy. **
More often than ever before, I find myself swept away in destructive thoughts. I "should" myself. I "should" be feeling better. I "should" have less pain. I "shouldn't" be nauseous for no reason.
I called my friend, C. As a breast cancer survivor, with the same surgical and oncology team, she holds my hand (figuratively) when I am scared and don't know if what I am going through is typical. Should I be working harder at getting mobility back? Am I a wimp for needing pain killers still? C had the best suggestion. Try a balance pose to get back my centered self. I must have been leaning that direction, because even before I talked to her I started yoga. But I didn't think to do balance poses. I started those this morning with my morning exercises.
The simplest balance pose is Tree. You stand up straight. Then you take one leg and put it on your other leg, anywhere from on your calf to your upper thigh (just not on your knee). Then you put your hands into prayer position in front of your chest. Keep your head up, eyes open and focused on one point in front of you to help you balance. Breathe. I try to take 5 relaxed breaths. After a while you do the other leg. Repeat on both sides. I can tell when I am getting back to center because I am not wobbling all over. After the first round, I found a little bit of my center and relaxed. There is a way through the pain. I will find it.
I know that I can be happy no matter how tough the circumstances. I want to get off the pain killers so I can get back to being centered and whole. So today I will do my yoga and special stretches twice. I will be centered enough and focus on other parts of my life besides pain.
Ken is taking me out for a very early New Year's Eve dinner. I celebrate going outside and breathing air. I celebrate a new year is beginning. I am grateful for my caring family and very supportive friends. I pray that we all have a healthy and prosperous 2010. A new decade. Happy New Year.
**I am sorry in my last post of this mantra I omitted to mention that this is from Jack Kornfield's book "A Path with Heart: A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of Spiritual Life"
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